This is probably not something you agreed with when you first read it, right?
Let me explain: Time outs use separation to teach our children that only certain behaviour gives them the invitation to exist in our presence.
So, why do they work (at least temporarily)? Because children innately need to be close to their parents, and they learn quickly that good behaviour gives them the closeness they need, and ‘bad’ behaviour gets them separation. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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When you break it down this way, I think most parents would agree that you never want your child to feel like they are not ‘good enough’ to be around you. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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So, what do you do in place of a time out? Here are my top 2 tips:⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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➡️ Give the adults in the house a time out – “Mommy needs a drink, I’m going to get a glass of water and I will be back to continue this conversation”. Take the deep breath that you need, swear profusely under your breath out of earshot of your child, spike your drink with something stronger than just water 🤣 – take a time out for yourself to do whatever you need to clear your head and go back to your conversation to handle it without your emotions getting the best of you. This is also a great opportunity to tag in your partner if you’re able to switch.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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➡️ If your child is acting in a way that is unsafe to them or to the people around them, it is absolutely okay to remove them from the situation, without adding in separation from you. “It’s dangerous for you to throw toys at your brother, so I can’t let you continue. We are going to go sit together in the other room so I can hear more about what is bothering you.”⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Shifting the focus away from the separation, and onto a way to connect more deeply during times of frustration can give kids an outlet to express their big emotions while knowing that your love and connection is unconditional 💞
